Thong swimsuits: History, practicality, fashion

From the Editorial Staff at Brigitewear

Since the human advancement from the Stone Age, fashion has existed. It started out as strictly functional. Donning of an animal skin to keep warm. Then one day the caveman saw a particularly beautiful animal and thought to himself, if he could get that hide and give it to that cute little girl two caves over he might have a chance for himself, at least a better chance than Igor, his neighbor, who has no sense of fashion, simply a big club and spear.

So, from that point forward the fashion game was on. Apparently, somewhere along the road, it was pointed out that perhaps your most private body parts shouldn’t be on display. Now this reasoning may have come from the less well endowed of the group as simply a method of equaling the playing field, but nevertheless, the loincloth was developed. The style had more to do with function and practicality than fashion. After all, the only sewing machines were still a few thousand years in the future so the only thing one could do was to take an animal pelt and wrap and tie it around your hinter regions.

Thus, was born the first variation of what we now know as the “thong”. Pretty cool huh? Well, time marched on and clothing became more sophisticated, covering up more and more of the body even when not needed for warmth, rather to make a statement, or to hide what a human could now see in those new-fangled mirrors. Looking at the woman in the next hut over, then at yourself in the mirror, several new feelings and attitudes were created; envy, shame, humility, despair, desire.  Yes, oddly enough, all those emotions came about because of the mirror.

So, now you have the wife of the Mayor of Bedrock looking in the mirror, realizing all of those Pterodactyl hot wings she’s been eating have added a few extra inches to her hips, which becomes truly evident as she stares at excess poking out around her loincloth. She looks out the hole in the hut wall and sees that new young wife next door with her trim figure on display, so what does she do next? She tells her husband, the Mayor, that he needs to enact a law that no one can ever again wear a loincloth. Bam!  Just like that, society mores and laws and body shame are created. All because of a few extra Pterodactyl hot wings and an ill-fitting loincloth and an insecure woman.

Time marches on, it’s now the 20th century, humans as we now know them are for the most part walking around with as little of the body exposed as possible. Women especially are targeted. “No self-respecting woman would wear that in public” became the battle cry for the feminazis. Thankfully, word hadn’t spread to the South Pacific.

As our enlightened human race was now practicing blowing up islands in the far reaches of the ocean with the newest thing in self-defense, the hydrogen bomb. Dexter Poingrass, a particularly situational aware bomb scientist, noticed a smoking hot young attractive inhabitant of the island they were soon going to blow to smithereens. This fine young woman with her tanned, toned body was wearing a brief version of what looked to be a brassiere and a tiny pair of what looked to be panties. He thought it a shame that she would soon be nuked, but, hey, science marches on. Years later he would remember that young woman, especially her clothing which he decided to name after the islands they’d blown up in the Bikini Atoll. His magazine article enshrined forever the event, and now the delightful clothing item we have all come to love so.

Meanwhile, as the bikini atoll was being destroyed, a few island chains over, the Air Force was looking for more land to send to the bottom of the sea when another astute rocket scientist spotted another young lady on the beach in what appeared to be just a loincloth. Delightful, he thought. Soon after that land mass was vaporized, this scientist met Dexter Poingrass and told him about the lady he’d seen on the island of Tonga; together the two came up with the Tonga Bikini, later dubbed the Thong.

The thong bikini idea languished for several decades until it was rediscovered in Brazil in circa 1970s. In the mid-1980s, a few brave, future thinking young women in the U.S., modified their full bikini bottoms and braved the stares of others on the beaches of Florida in their new “thong bikinis”.

The new fashion had just begun gaining stride when up again pop – the “fashion police” – new laws are passed, speeches are made, and the thong has now become “illegal” on many of the most popular beaches in the country.

Those die-hard fans had a very tough time finding a thong to buy in the dark ages of the 90s all the way through 2010. What the watchers of the public morality hadn’t counted on, however, was a more powerful force that would rise up and strike down their puritanical beliefs. They never saw it coming! Celebrities and the Social Media revolution. The minute the celebrities decided to wear thongs it was off to the races!

In recent years, thongs have not only made a comeback, they have mainstreamed. Now it seems everyone is wearing them. Local laws may still be on the books, but enforcing is another matter. A recent visit to the most popular beach in Florida found over 30% of all bikini and one-piece swimsuit wearers in a thong. Observations at conservative hotel pools in California recently found the same to be true. The ban is off – long live the thong!

So, what was the problem in the first place? What in the world could be wrong about showing a body’s muscle? Well, we can’t figure it out either. We suspect though it goes back to Bedrock and the Mayor’s wife. If you don’t have it, nobody else should either. And, so goes the world.

There are a lot of misconceptions about wearing a thong. The typical and most heard however is, my butt is too big. Well, if you haven’t noticed, big butts are in now so that’s no longer a valid excuse. This leads us to a truism. Anything you try to hide will usually draw attention to it. There is nothing that calls more attention to your butt than a big ole’ droopy full bikini bottom.

Thongs have evolved, and some of the newer styles, particularly the Cheeky Thong bikini bottom, actually has the effect of lifting the rear and the shape is such that it enhances the overall look actually making your behind look firmer and shapelier. So, it may be time to rethink those old fashion, out of date beliefs and move into the New World.

Whatever you choose to wear though, do it with style – your own style. Shrug off your inhibitions, quit worrying about what you “think” other people will think of you, or how you believe other people will see you. Step up your game, exude confidence, shed those outdated Puritanical beliefs and live a little. Life is too short to do otherwise.

Live Free to B!

Brigitewear, Palm Springs

(We have taken a little literary license with our history lesson here. Those two mad scientists, as well as Bedrock’s wife and Mayor, were simply figments of our writer’s vivid and sometimes weird imagination. Igor probably did have a big club and spear but may not have lived two caves over. We are not sure and have not been able to determine, whether Pterodactyl Hot Wings were really a dish in the prehistoric times, or if BBQ or Hot sauce had even been invented. But, the fact remains, thong swimsuits are a fashion statement we hope never goes away again. If it does, if the fashion houses of Paris put them on the back shelf again, one thing you can count on, as always Brigitewear will always offer the thong swimsuit to any and all wanting to wear one.)